Decisions, Decisons...

I feel like I need plans...When I was younger I had really bad anxiety issues but felt trapped in myself.  I was shy and insecure and couldn't talk to anyone about what was going on with me.  My mom forced me into counseling, thinking that would help but I found it difficult to open up to a stranger.  I then went to the doctor and they put me on medicine to help with my anxiety.  For close to three months I just stopped caring about things.  Important things.  It kind of felt like someone zapped me and I miraculously wasn't anxious any longer but that I was a shell for a human.  My family picked up on this and told me that they didn't think that the medicine I was on was helping me out in a good way.  So, I weaned myself off of the medicine and never touched it again.  Since then, I have found natural ways to cope with my anxiety.  Sometimes it works and other times, not so much. 

I make plans when I am unsure about what the future holds.  Even if the plans don't work out, I feel better knowing there is a platform for which to strive.  Plans don't work and then you create new ones.  Right now I have no plan.  My life is one giant cluster f&^*.  I recently found a position on Craigslist that was for an autism teacher in a new center they were opening in the area.  The requirements were a bachelor's degree and preferably in Edu or Psy.  I had quite a few courses in each so I applied, divulging that my degree wasn't in those categories but that my course load had been heavily weighted with those two influences.  I applied.  I honestly didn't think that I would get an interview or that anything would even come of it.  I have been applying at the local library for six years now and have never even received an interview.  But, low and behold, last Wednesday they call and ask me to come in to interview.  I finally felt like maybe this was the direction I needed to take.  I could teach, which is something I would be good at, and feel good about helping make someones life better.  

I interviewed yesterday...The gentleman interviewing me held the bridge of his nose the entire time I answered his questions.  It made me feel like he really just wanted to be finished with the whole process.  He asked if I had been in charge of a classroom before...Ummmm, no.  I clearly stated that I had only ever been a pre school teacher.  I felt inadequate.  Not good enough. 

I graduated cosmetology school in May and have been working at a salon on a work permit since March.  Business is slow on my front.  They say the first year is the hardest, that would be the biggest understatement ever.  Except, that over here in KY where my sister got her license, business is booming.  She is making a killing and going on vacations every month.  Yet another epic fail in the choice department for me.  I make some crappy decisions due to the fact that I am so indecisive.  I'm easily swayed and that isn't a fun life, let me tell ya!

I should have stuck with my plan.  The first one.  The one where I became an elementary teacher and went back to graduate school for library science...
I know those expressions "Life is short" and "you are only young once" make me want to run off and explore and see new places and meet new people but words like "mortgage" and "ruining your credit" have a higher pull over me.  I need a job that would allow me to travel, see new places, meet new friends, and pay my mortgage.  Anyone know what that dream job is titled? I don't either. 

Being poor, I entertain myself quite well without a lot of money.  I have been crafting in excessive amounts.  I read a ton of books, I watch netflix, I have a garden.  All of these things fill the void inside of me.  What should be in that void? I have no idea.  Maybe a sense of purpose. 

I'm gonna get out of the dumpy mood I'm in and go hang out with my Gran.  She always makes me feel better.  I am so blessed to have an amazing family that supports all of the crazy a$% decisions I make and loves me unconditionally.  That is my good fortune.